June 12, 2001
I went by the gravesite two days ago. They haven't gotten yours and Dad's marker ready yet, so they put up a temporary granite one with just your information on it. They had planted new grass (finally), so the plot looked pretty.
I looked at that marker that read: Beloved Son and Brother, Bobby Ray Bellah, June 8, 1984 - January 12, 2000. Reality slammed into me so hard I could hardly bear it. I miss you so much, Baby Boy.
I don't think it'll ever hurt any less. How could it? Losing one of your children is a devastation beyond words. I, sometime, can't remember of how you felt or the sound of your voice. I'm so afraid of forgetting that. I don't ever want to lose my memory of every single detail of you. Of how your arms felt when you gave me a hug. Or how you sounded when you said, "I love you too". Your smile...your laughter...even your tantrums I would love to hear again.
I know you're in a better place, but sometimes my faith is tipped over. Sometimes I wonder why we should have to go through such pain and guilt and hurt. I guess you and Dad have the answers now. Your sisters, Jacob and I are still searching. I guess, that's the key word...searching. We don't give up. We continue on.
I haven't been able to sit down and write before now. That's why it's not up on June 8th. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it just yet. Now, here I am, sitting in my office at work with tears streaming down my face and wishing I could feel you and your Dad with me. I need ya'll. We all do.
I love you, Baby Boy. And, I love your Dad so much too. If by some chance God allows a sign from ya'll, I would be so grateful. If not, I pray I can strengthen my faith and be at peace.
Happy Birthday, Bobby
My thoughts and my love are with you always....