June 12, 2001

I went by the gravesite two days ago.  They haven't gotten yours and Dad's marker ready yet, so they put up a temporary granite one with just your information on it.  They had planted new grass (finally), so the plot looked pretty.

I looked at that marker that read:  Beloved Son and Brother, Bobby Ray Bellah, June 8, 1984 - January 12, 2000.  Reality slammed into me so hard I could hardly bear it.  I miss you so much, Baby Boy.

I don't think it'll ever hurt any less.  How could it?  Losing one of your children is a devastation beyond words.  I, sometime, can't remember of how you felt or the sound of your voice.  I'm so afraid of forgetting that.  I don't ever want to lose my memory of every single detail of you.  Of how your arms felt when you gave me a hug.  Or how you sounded when you said, "I love you too".  Your smile...your laughter...even your tantrums I would love to hear again. 

I know you're in a better place, but sometimes my faith is tipped over.  Sometimes I wonder why we should have to go through such pain and guilt and hurt.  I guess you and Dad have the answers now.  Your sisters, Jacob and I are still searching.  I guess, that's the key word...searching.  We don't give up.  We continue on.

I haven't been able to sit down and write before now.  That's why it's not up on June 8th.  I knew I wouldn't be able to do it just yet.  Now, here I am, sitting in my office at work with tears streaming down my face and wishing I could feel you and your Dad with me.  I need ya'll.  We all do.

I love you, Baby Boy.  And, I love your Dad so much too.  If by some chance God allows a sign from ya'll, I would be so grateful.  If not, I pray I can strengthen my faith and be at peace.

Happy Birthday, Bobby

My thoughts and my love are with you always....

Love,
Mom