June 8, 2004

Dear Bobby,
I took off work today.  I didn't know what I was going to do...how I was going to feel...I just wanted to be able to do and feel whatever and however I wanted to.  Not be tied to keeping a straight face...act like everything was ok...smile.  I just wanted to be whatever came my way today.  
Happy birthday, Baby Boy.  You would have been 20 years old today.  I can only imagine what you would have been like...what kind of person you would have been...what you would have looked like.  But all I will ever know for sure are my memories I have of you for 15 years.  Thank God I have those memories.
I started out my day getting Tristyn off to the babysitter.  By the time I came back I wasn't in too good a mood.  The old pity party thing working on me.  I took care of some things that had been on my mind.  I sat and talked to Richard a lot about my life and where it has been and where I wish it could go and a lot of other things.  I guess the turning point in my attitude today was when Miranda called.  She remembered your birthday.  She knew I'd be home today and wanted me to know that she was there if I wanted to talk.  She told me that it's a shame someone has to die for you to turn your life around, but that's what happened to her when you died.  She turned her life around and made something of it.  I started crying and thanked her for calling.  I thanked God for the phone call.  If there's one thing I'm always searching for, it's that someone, somewhere, somehow, learned something and became better from knowing you and missing you and seeing what happened.
It's been over 4 years and my life has gone on, but Baby Boy, I still miss you so much.  I have found more peace, but the part of me that is gone will never come back while I'm in this life and I can't help but feel the void.
I'm making more memories every day with Christi and Amy and Jacob and Tristyn, but the memories I have of you, Baby Boy, will never fade and will always be right there with me also.
How many children do I have?  I have 3.  I have two daughters and a son.  How old are they?  They're 30, 25 and 15.  Does your son still live with you?  No.  My son lives with God.  I'm going to see him again some day.  When it's my time.
I love you, Baby Boy.  Be with God, my Son.
Love,
Mom