June 8, 2004
I took off work today. I didn't know what I was going to do...how I
was going to feel...I just wanted to be able to do and feel whatever and
however I wanted to. Not be tied to keeping a straight face...act
like everything was ok...smile. I just wanted to be whatever came my
Happy birthday, Baby Boy. You would have been 20 years old
today. I can only imagine what you would have been like...what kind
of person you would have been...what you would have looked like. But
all I will ever know for sure are my memories I have of you for 15
years. Thank God I have those memories.
I started out my day getting Tristyn off to the babysitter. By the
time I came back I wasn't in too good a mood. The old pity party
thing working on me. I took care of some things that had been on my
mind. I sat and talked to Richard a lot about my life and where it
has been and where I wish it could go and a lot of other things. I
guess the turning point in my attitude today was when Miranda
called. She remembered your birthday. She knew I'd be home
today and wanted me to know that she was there if I wanted to talk.
She told me that it's a shame someone has to die for you to turn your life
around, but that's what happened to her when you died. She turned
her life around and made something of it. I started crying and
thanked her for calling. I thanked God for the phone call. If
there's one thing I'm always searching for, it's that someone, somewhere,
somehow, learned something and became better from knowing you and missing
you and seeing what happened.
It's been over 4 years and my life has gone on, but Baby Boy, I still miss
you so much. I have found more peace, but the part of me that is
gone will never come back while I'm in this life and I can't help but feel
I'm making more memories every day with Christi and Amy and Jacob and
Tristyn, but the memories I have of you, Baby Boy, will never fade and
will always be right there with me also.
How many children do I have? I have 3. I have two daughters
and a son. How old are they? They're 30, 25 and 15. Does
your son still live with you? No. My son lives with God.
I'm going to see him again some day. When it's my time.
I love you, Baby Boy. Be with God, my Son.