To Those Who Have Helped Carry Me Through
A lot of you are worried about me this Christmas and New Year coming. You have prayed for me and been there for me throughout the year. I've been wanting to write something on here for Christmas, but it never seemed like the right time for me to know what to say. I got on here today (12/22) and saw the 3 messages on the message board from Dusty, Nikki and Christa, as well as the messages on the guest book from friends and even people I've never met. When I saw these, I knew I had to let you all know what my thoughts were and how I was.
As Thanksgiving approached, I started running scared. I had no idea how I would make it through. I had my family come, for the first time ever (my sister-in-law's idea!), to my house for Thanksgiving. Even though everyone couldn't make it, it meant a lot to have those that could...My mother, father, one of my brothers, my sister-in-law and two brothers-in-law (though I shouldn't put on the "in-law" 'cause they're like brothers and a sister to me). And, of course, I had Jacob and Amy and later Christi (after her work). I made it through that day, then slammed hard into the fact that next would be Christmas. I didn't think I'd make it. I really didn't know how I could.
One day, I think just a few days after Thanksgiving, I was thinking about it. A feeling came over me and I can't really tell you exactly how it did...was it something I was watching?...was I praying at the time?....I can't really remember. All I know is I truly feel the meaning of Christmas this year. This knowledge is what will help me make it through. Something I've known all along, but really couldn't feel on Christmas's past.
On Christmas day, my Savior was born. A little baby boy that was put here on earth to save my life. Without His birth, and death, I would never see Bobby and his dad again. Because of His birth, and death, I will one day live with them, and all the others I love so dearly, for eternity. That is a thought so wonderful and happy to me, sometimes it overwhelms me.
It doesn't take away all the pain though. I am having moments every day where one minute I'm happy and the next I'm pretty down, but knowing the day that is coming is a joyous one does help. I've thought back on past Christmas days and on the last Christmas day that Bobby was with me and I remember how materialistic and without true joy they were. There was always the worry of who was going to get mad because someone got more than them (I always tried to make sure I would have the same number of presents and about the same dollar amount spent) and who would get mad because they didn't get what they wanted. Always spending every penny I had trying to make sure there were a lot of presents and everyone would be happy. And, I'm not saying it was the kids' fault. They were usually always happy. It was just something I would always put myself through. But, there was always something missing and not quite right. That something was the true meaning of Christmas. Bobby and his dad feel it even more than I do right now.
I went out and bought a beautiful tree and decorated it exactly like I wanted, or at least tried to. You see, as the balls were put on, I began to realize it was beautiful just like it was, without anything on it. So, it doesn't have much, but it is perfect. I can look at this tree and blank out everything else in the living room. I can see it out in a field of snow all alone. It reminds me of the many gifts that God has given me, including the special one on Christmas day.
I won't go through Christmas without tears in my eyes. I won't go through Christmas without a searing pain for those I love so much and are no longer with me. But, I will get through Christmas being reminded that they are not lost to me forever.
I cannot even begin to thank everyone, who has visited this site, enough for the comfort they have given me. You all have helped me make it through. God has put some very special people into my life and I thank Him daily for all of you.
My Christmas wish this year is that everyone feel the true meaning of Christmas. Everyone that loves Bobby and misses him so much. Remember what we celebrate this day for. Give thanks for the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Give thanks that we will, when our time on earth is through, see Bobby and his dad again.
And to the kids....all of you who are special to me...I wish you peace and love. Many, many kisses and hugs to you all. As this year comes to an end and the year anniversary of Bobby's death approaches, I want you all to remember that he still loves us and is near. I don't know about a memorial or anything yet. I'm just getting through one day at a time right now and concentrating on Christmas and New Years (which is the 2 year anniversary of Dennis's death (Bobby's dad). Once New Year's eve is over, I'll let you all know. I would like to wait until the stone marker is ready. I'll let you know when that will be.
May God put His arms around each and every one of us and help us to walk through the coming days. May He pick us up and carry us when we can't bear to walk anymore.
I love you all.....